Laura Benjamin Lollar

Communication

Is the Open Door Communication Policy a Bunch of Baloney?

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A few years ago, I was speaking at a conference where I also attended another session on communication. The presenter was singing the praises of having an Open Door Communication Policy when someone in the back of the room raised his hand.

He was upset. He stood up and said, “That open door communication policy is a bunch of baloney! I’ve tried a number of times to share something I thought was important and ended up being labeled ‘Not a team player‘. They really don’t want you to bring up any issues. They don’t take you seriously and I’ll never do it again!”

There was a long, long period of silence. Heads turned. A few people coughed. One or two took a risk and clapped.

I could see his point. There were a few times I took an issue “up the chain” and ended up suffering for it. But perhaps neither he or I presented our concerns in a constructive way. Were we just whiners who wanted the opportunity to complain? Were we willing to take responsibility to solve the problem before dumping it in someone else’s lap? Or did we truly get labeled by a leader who didn’t want to cope with another complaint?

I think there’s enough blame to go around. There are people who don’t know how to raise an issue respectfully or constructively. Then there are senior level folks who don’t know how to handle it when someone brings a legitimate concern to their attention. And yes, there are those who say that anyone who disagrees with the party line is NOT a team player, sending them straight to the Pit of Insignificance.

What if the person who raises the issue is not a bold, strong-willed kind of personality but more of a shy, meek, sensitive, caring type who doesn’t want to rock the boat? Speaking up is fraught with danger for them. They risk being shouted down, told they are overly sensitive or just making things up, or (here comes the death knell) NOT a team player? Will they ever speak up again? How will their silence then harm the relationship, prevent some new advancement, avoid something bad from happening, like the infamous “O” Ring debacle that doomed the Space Shuttle.

I had been thinking for quite some time about the dynamic tension that exists between two people: one person has a concern and wants to raise the issue, respectfully, but the other person believes they are being too critical. So I asked myself, where does one person’s right to voice their concerns end and the other person’s responsibility to hear them out and perhaps make a change begin?

So I created a communication model to help both sides face issues in a way that one person feels heard and the other can accept the message and do something with it. My CARLA Concept™ Model is simple and flexible and goes like this:

C – what was the challenge or change you faced?

A – what actions did you take?

R – what results did you get?

L – what lessons did you learn?

A – what’s another approach, now that you know what you know? 

This is a template for how to get all the facts. If someone comes to you with a complaint, you can coach them through these steps to flesh out their concerns. It also subtly puts some personal responsibility back on their shoulders by asking what actions did they take and what results did they get? It helps the person who raises the issue think through their complaint before taking it public.

I think we all contribute to miscommunication in some way. There are people who should do their homework before camping on their supervisor’s doorstep. There are managers who need to listen more, take people seriously and stop pigeonholing people into the troublemaker category. Hopefully The CARLA™ Concept can help both sides.

What say you? Have you ever been labeled, “Not a team player?” How did it work out for you? Feel free to share your comments below.

NOTE: Laura (Benjamin) Lollar wrote and self-published The CARLA Concept handbook in 2005. She is revising and updating the book for publication in late 2019 or early 2020.

How to Get Off Personal Data Collection Sites

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Can you believe it, I didn’t learn how to use a computer until 1993! My engineer cousin let me  borrow his and I did my very best to goof up all his settings and document margins without knowing what the heck I was doing. Well, I’ve learned a few things since then. Hopefully these tips will help you stay safer online and more aware of internet security issues.

You May Not be Interested in the Internet, but it’s Definitely Interested in You!

Did you know, websites scrape the Internet for information about you, then will sell it to anyone who wants to learn more about you. They pull it from your social media profiles (where you publish Facebook posts as “public”), public records, census info, etc. Some of it they surmise, like ethnic or religious affiliations based on your name.

Got a few minutes? Just for fun, enter your name(s) into a search engine, then start scrolling down. Go way beyond the first page. You may find you are listed on sites like FamilyTreeNow, TruePeopleSearch, InstantCheckmate, Spokeo, MyLife, etc.

You can find more of these sites by searching on this phrase: “sites that compile your personal information.” Some of them are connected and owned by one parent company.

How to Remove Your Name from Data Collection Sites

It’s not hard to have your profile (or dossier!) removed. They usually have an “opt-out” page where you can put in some of your information, find your record, then hit the remove/opt-out button. They’re pretty quick. Your profile is usually gone within 24-48 hours.

Click here to read a recent Consumer Reports article with more specifics on how to remove yourself.

And here is another good one from the ReputationDefender website.

Like most situations where you want to block something or be removed from a list, websites have sprung up which, FOR A FEE, will do it for you. A few articles I found about how to get off the grid are actually sales pitches with offers embedded to entice you to sign up for their services.

You don’t need to spend money to remove yourself from personal data collection sites or remove outdated content on the Internet. Yes, it will take some time and it’s tedious, but you could always hire a tekkie friend you trust to do it for you.

How to Remove Outdated Online Content

The second thing to do is remove outdated information (links, photos, etc.) that search engines still show about you. They might be photos under Google or Bing images, links to old Tweets, Facebook posts and website pages that may no longer exist.

If you have a Google account, login and use their “remove outdated content” service by copying the link of the outdated content and paste it into their form. They too are pretty quick, usually removing the link from search results within a few days. This takes time if you’ve had a pretty active online presence.

Other Online Safety and Common Sense Tips

Being safer online (no one can ever be 100% safe) has taken on a whole new perspective given the proliferation of image-sharing sites and video. I’m no security expert, and I certainly don’t want to come across as paranoid, but here are a few common sense tips for yourself and those you care about:

  • Before you post any photos, check the photo file name. Did you put the full name(s) of the subject(s) in the name of your image?
  • Are you posting photos of children standing in front of their school or a house with the street address showing in the background?
  • Are you shooting video in your house (or someone else’s), near your computer desktop where sticky notes reflect personal info or where the background of your webcam can pick up private or potentially embarrassing images?
  • Do you regularly “check in” on social media sites or post about your whereabouts, in the moment? This provides a pattern of behavior that the bad guys can take advantage of.
  • Are you posting about your upcoming “annual” vacation? Even if you share details about it after the fact, just mentioning it’s an annual vacation you take every July may be enough information to set you up for a burglary.
  • Do you use public wifi to do your online banking or other shopping transactions? Unless you have signed up for a Virtual Private Network Client (VPN) for your devices, you may want to do your online shopping/banking at home. Click here to read a useful article from Wired on this topic.
  • If you have a website, do your visitors/readers/customers a favor and spend the bucks to set your site up with an SSL certificate. You will know it by the HTTPS at the beginning of the URL (domain name) and little padlock in the URL versus HTTP. It amazes me how many website owners haven’t yet converted their sites. The cost is less than $75/year.
  • Create a junk email account so you can subscribe to online offers, answer surveys, etc. without giving away your personal email.
  • Please, please, please, do NOT send an email out to a ton of friends, colleagues or businesses and have everyone’s email address showing up in the “TO” field. Put YOUR email address in the “TO” field and put everyone else in the “BCC” field to protect their identity. Occasionally, someone in the group will decide they need to add everyone to their marketing/fundraising/political update list and before you know it, you’ll be getting all kinds of cr*p.

I love the publishing opportunities that come with the online world. For little or no money, we can promote our companies and causes, share ideas and useful information, make a living and make friends. But just like most things these days, it’s wise to think ahead to how information and images could be put to use, for better or worse. So, let’s be safe out there!

How to Recover When You Say Something Stupid

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I hate to admit this, but I’ve been known to say something stupid once in a while. It doesn’t happen often (that I know of) but when it does, I feel dumb and embarrassed. How about you? Have you ever said something you instantly regretted? Wish you could get a “do over”? Better yet, want some ways to avoid it in the first place or recover with your self-respect intact?
Hint: Think Princess Bride

Maybe you’re out in public, at a party, a workplace event, with a client, customer or co-worker. Perhaps you’re trying to be light-hearted, humorous or cute. You want to be helpful but it comes out all wrong.

For example: after I gave birth to one of my children, I ran across a lady who was in the labor room next to me the day before. I was happy to see her, but after a quick glance at her tummy I asked, “Haven’t you had that baby YET?” It was a bit awkward. I should have taken a good look at MY tummy before opening my mouth!

That experience (and a few others) taught me a good lesson. Here’s how you might save yourself from a similar fate:

PREVENTION TIPS

Count to 10. That brief pause will give your brain time to catch up with your mouth and give you the chance to get more information or reconsider what you were about to say.

Let someone else go first. If you’re in a group, resist the temptation to comment before anyone else does. You don’t win a prize for taking the lead in every conversation. (Exception: when something dangerous is about to occur.)

Imagine your image. Consider the type of person you want to portray. Do you want to be perceived as: Angry (Alec Baldwin), Sarcastic (Dr. Gregory House – Hugh Laurie), Wise (Yoda), Intimidating (Darth Vader), kind, patient or comical?

Notice when you’re nervous. Our potential to make a mistake with what we say increases if we’re upset or nervous. Rate your nervous level on a scale from 1-10 and then decide whether you trust yourself to sound kind, credible, respectful or intelligent at that point in time.

Have you been drinking? Let’s face it, when under the influence (of anything) we lose our inhibitions. At that point, anything goes. Stay off social media, ask a friend or spouse to keep an eye on you, go home early, etc.

Ask yourself, what’s at risk? Could you lose a job, piece of business, sponsorship or risk a relationship? How would you feel if your words showed up in the newspaper or featured on the 5 o’clock news? Then ask yourself, what’s the reward? What benefit will be gained?

RECOVERY TIPS   

Apologize. As soon as you realize how your words could have been misinterpreted or the impact you had on someone, say you’re sorry. Most people will overlook a lot if they feel you are sincere. Even if a few days have passed, it’s never too late to make amends.

Mention your motivation. There’s nothing wrong with explaining where you were coming from by saying, “I hope you know I was trying to be ____________ (light-hearted, sympathetic, humorous, witty, etc.) when I said XYZ.” Sometimes describing your intent, even though it went horribly wrong, will help people cut you some slack.

Ask a question. As quickly as possible after becoming aware of your gaffe, ask “Did I just say that out loud? That was stupid, insensitive, rude!” Then follow up with, “I really was trying to ______________” and explain yourself. Make sure you are accountable for what you said and the impact it may have had on others.

BUT WITH THAT BEING SAID…

I don’t want to imply we should avoid being truthful, transparent or courageous in our communication. Important issues need to be raised. People must be held accountable. Wrongs should be set right. Nobody benefits when we’re too fearful to say what needs to be said. But we also have a responsibility to consider how we come across. We can still be persuasive, powerful and influential while being sensitive to words and timing.

The mark of a true professional and a self-aware person often requires we balance two competing goals or conflicting concepts to get good outcomes. As F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote,

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

And finally, don’t beat yourself up if you say something stupid. We have ALL been there. Make your apologies and then move on. Don’t belabor it. There’s no need to grovel. Just consider this another important lesson learned on the way to becoming a fully enlightened being!

How to Deal with Obnoxious People in Power

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A reader asked if I would write an article about how to handle obnoxious people in power. So, to start, I wanted to find out what we mean when we call someone obnoxious. Is it a person who throws their weight around? Do they try to “one up” others? Are they arrogant or inconsiderate? (I can see your heads nodding – yes, yes and yes!)
Photo credit: Eric Schickler, AdventurePhotographer.us

Webster’s definition is this: behavior that is annoying or objectionable due to being a showoff or attracting undue attention to oneself.

I figured there may be more to it than that, so I asked for feedback from the stylists in my hairdresser’s shop. They see tons of people and have a common sense perspective on human behavior. (Of course, I’m a little ray of sunshine and a breath of fresh air when I walk in there, but others, maybe not so much.)

They said, “People who talk too loud. It seems like they want everyone to hear what they’re saying and it makes it hard for us to have conversations with our clients.”

That got me started. So I came up with my list of obnoxious behaviors, but it’s not exhaustive so feel free to add your “favorites” in the comments at the bottom of this page.

19 OF MY “FAVORITE” OBOXIOUS BEHAVIORS

People who…

  1. engage in the “cell yell” where they talk so loud on their phone that everyone around them gets to hear all the gory details of their conversation
  2. tell you they’re open for a meeting anytime in the coming week and then every date/time you offer won’t work for them
  3. don’t say thank you when you hold a door open for them
  4. take forever to order at a fast food place because they’re calculating how many pennies they’ll save from ordering a la carte versus getting the meal deal
  5. consistently say “maybe” when you ask if they’d like to do something or go somewhere and don’t offer any alternative to your suggestion
  6. squeeze into the revolving door space you’re in with their luggage rather than wait for the next opening
  7. splash water all over the restroom counter and don’t wipe it up so your shirt gets wet when you stand at the sink and have no place to put your purse down
  8. won’t move forward in line (either standing or in their car) and let a large gap exist when there are many people standing behind them – there’s something about seeing forward momentum that makes people happy
  9. throw trash out their car window
  10. pull out a million coupons at the grocery store (It’s always when you have ice cream in your cart)
  11. blast the bass through their car speakers so you can feel your heart vibrate
  12. wander onto the shoulder of the road and spit gravel into your windshield so it cracks
  13. drive slower than traffic in the passing lane when they should (and could) move over
  14. ignore the sign to merge two lanes into one, pass everyone who did merge and then expect someone to let them in at the last minute
  15. pull into the campground at 1am and make tons of noise setting up
  16. wait to complain about a meal until the last bite, then expect their dinner to be free
  17. ride bicycles side by side on a two lane road with no shoulder and heavy traffic
  18. consistently keep people waiting because their time is much more important than yours
  19. take your parking spot when you have your blinker on (remember the parking lot scene in Fried Green Tomatoes?)

Bet you’re wondering how I could come up with so many reasons to get bent out of shape. I’ll simmer down, but I think we should call ‘em as we see ‘em and get clear on what disrespectful behaviors cause us the most frustration. We should also try to understand the reasons why obnoxious people do the things they do.

Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us. — Stephen Covey

6 REASONS WHY SOME PEOPLE ARE OBNOXIOUS

People who are obnoxious often want to have power or influence over others. It can come from a deep-seated sense of insecurity. Maybe they grew up with few choices, were bullied or abused. So these behaviors are their way to get control over their life. They could also be people who…

  1. never learned how to show confidence and mistakenly feel that over-the-top assertiveness illustrates competence and self-worth
  2. are impulsive about most things and don’t realize their impulsivity may be interpreted as selfishness
  3. have been rejected, disappointed, overlooked or underestimated in the past and vow not to let it happen again
  4. find that bravado, a big show, flash, glitz and aggressiveness are often admired by others. They’ve seen people get rewarded for it and use that approach as their default.
  5. may have a physiological issue that impacts social skills. While most of us are not qualified to diagnose anyone’s medical condition, we should be aware that some behaviors are a result of genes or trauma. Through no fault of their own, they wage a daily battle to regain control over themselves. You may happen to be collateral damage.
  6. want to cause you harm – no bones about it, they ARE out to get you. You could have done or said something to provoke them or you look like an old boss, coach or teacher who wasn’t kind.

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. — Mahatma Gandhi

3 WAYS TO DEAL WITH OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE IN POWER

It’s hard enough to deal with these behaviors, but when the person has power over us, it makes it doubly difficult to cope. They may control your paycheck or the quality of a product or project where your reputation is on the line. They may be a relative. No matter who they are, you need survival skills before you do or say something destructive. So take one or more of these action steps to cope and hopefully turn things around:

1. Ask for their advice. It can take them by surprise because most people will push them away, ignore them or retaliate. This approach may require all the self-control you can muster, but it can pay off big time when they realize you’re not a threat and they’ve not gotten under your skin. Instead of an adversary, they may start to see you as an ally.

2. Say, “I’m sure you didn’t mean to be hurtful, disrespectful, dismissive, etc. when you said/did X…” Danger: don’t follow that phrase with the word “but” — it’ll put them on the defensive. Your goal is to let them know the impact of what they’ve said or done while giving them the benefit of the doubt about their intent. By saying you understand they couldn’t have possibly meant their words or actions to have that affect, you’re letting them save face.

3. Say, “Next time, would you please do/say X? That way I’ll be able to do Y.” By stating the preferable actions, words and behaviors you’d like to see and saying why it’s important, you give them a constructive approach to get better outcomes. Too often we know we don’t like what someone is saying or doing, but we we fail to ask and be specific about better behaviors. And that leaves people knowing they did something wrong but without an example of what to do differently.

IN SUMMARY

It IS possible to be assertive in a non-threatening way. You don’t have to ignore something that’s causing you a great deal of stress or keeping you up at night. Life is too short to be shy! Ask for the respect and treatment you deserve. When we feel some control over our circumstances, we’re able to think more clearly, make better decisions and keep our blood pressure down too!

Please Make It Stop

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One day, in the middle of a call center, a very pregnant young lady (as opposed to being just a little bit pregnant) stood in the middle of a sea of cubicles and shouted, “Someone please listen to me! Something terrible is happening!”

She was from Accounts Receivable. For days she’d been getting angry phone calls from customers saying the company had cleaned out their checking accounts. The customer placed a phone order for a few items and was billed for hundreds more. One lady ordered 11 items and was charged for 110.

Customer Service had also gotten calls from folks who desperately begged, “Please, make it stop!” Delivery guys showed up at their doors and unloaded boxes upon boxes of product. One lady asked for her items be delivered to her office. So there she was, holding the door open for the delivery guy, crying on the phone with boxes of product piling up all around her.

People who’d requested Express Delivery (like FedEx) were charged the $25 fee, multiplied by the quantity of products they’d never ordered.

Rapidly reduced inventory levels triggered purchasing, prompting automated requests to manufacturers to resupply depleted stock.

Shipping had to bring in extra trucks and add people to the packing line.

Phone reps didn’t know whether to ask for product to be returned or tell customers to keep it. Either way there was inconvenience for the caller and expense to the company.

People were in a panic! It was totally out of control. And nobody put the pieces together until this frustrated young lady from Accounts Receivable demanded attention.

Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers —Unknown

She’d tried to sound the alarm the nice way, the quiet way, the politically correct way. And nobody listened. Nobody took her seriously.

Till she made a spectacle of herself. They everybody noticed! And they hustled to pull together a team that worked late into the night trying to figure it all out.

HOW THE CRISIS WAS SOLVED

Turns out someone had worked on the phone order system a few days earlier. He’d removed the phone order audit filter, which allowed the computer system to add a “0” or “1” to the quantity of each order placed by phone. And he forgot to switch it back on.

It took a while, but the problem was solved. Protocols were created. Customers were made whole. And after a while, things returned to normal.

But nobody looked at that outspoken young lady quite the same way again.

She was a hero. She took a risk. She knew something was seriously wrong and took the bull by the horns. She put the pieces together.

And she had a healthy baby girl!

WHAT PEOPLE SAY TO SHUT US DOWN

People say lots of things that discourage us from stating concerns, frustrations, requests for action or change, including:   

  • You’re just too sensitive
  • You’re making a mountain out of a molehill
  • She’s such a troublemaker
  • He’s not a team player
  • You’re not open-minded OR you’re too open-minded
  • You’re being insensitive and might offend someone
  • She’s just too fussy
  • He’s always so negative
  • You’re not being strategic enough

If we accept those labels and back down, it’s usually more about us than the issue at hand. We don’t want to rock the boat or appear uncooperative. Maybe we dislike conflict. We worry about our image and reputation.

We’re afraid to call it like it is. We’re afraid to say out loud, “The Emperor has no clothes.”

This world would be a whole lot better off if we had more people willing to put a stake in the ground, tie themselves to it and fight to the bitter end. —Laura Lollar

Maybe more problems would be solved. Maybe we’d mentor more decisive and courageous leaders. Maybe confidence would grow and people would be willing to tackle the uncomfortable, gnarly challenges.

Don’t let someone tell you that your issue or concerns are not important. Don’t let them shame you into becoming a mediocre, bit player. Excellence is not always a popular place to be. People who make a difference in this world don’t play it safe.

So, whatever happened to the guy who removed the audit filter? (People were placing bets.) He kept his job. The leadership team knew everyone makes mistakes, which often reveal vulnerabilities and creates an environment where problem solvers shine!

NOTE: True story from my time a Customer Service and Sales Team Supervisor at a manufacturing company.

Lessons Learned on a Wild River Ride

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Photo by Eric Schickler. Used with permission.

We spent our family reunion one year on the banks of Colorado’s Arkansas River. Each time rafters passed by, we’d hoot and holler from our deck. My brother Eric, the photographer, captured the action. And there was lots of it!

Yep, I’ve braved that mighty river before. As a member of a Mature Active Women’s group (MAW’s) we set off one day on a river rafting adventure. Lining up and signing in we asked for a Class 1 experience — they called this the Granny Tour.

It started quite tame. There’s nothing more beautiful than rafting calm water with picturesque canyons looming above you. There were seven of us snuggled together including a young teen and her Dad. That girl complained from start to finish – loudly and often.

But it didn’t take long before we were too busy to notice. Our calm float had quickly turned into a churning rapid. Our guide yelled commands. We plunged our paddles and battled the waves. It was thrilling. It was fast. We got wet.

Then everything changed. We couldn’t avoid it. Our craft shoved itself up on the back of a boulder and the force of the water threatened to topple us.

“Get out on the rock,” yelled our guide. “One at a time. Hurry up!”

Considering the alternative, it seemed smarter to be stranded with a whiny teenager. So out we climbed as water pummeled the raft and our guide tried to keep it from flipping. We huddled close together on that rock and wondered, what now?

A passing raft saw our plight and their guide shouted, “Can we pick someone up?” We all looked at the girl, but she wouldn’t budge.

We attracted quite an audience. Passing cars tooted and waved. People gathered along the road. Fellow rafters promised to send help. It was humorous and a little humiliating. How would this play in the papers? “Mature Active Women Stranded in Class One Water. Rescue Required.”

Finally help arrived. They told us to keep our feet up and pointed downstream. Then they threw us a rope and advised, “Let the current carry you to the side.”

Guess who went first? Nope, she still wouldn’t budge.

That water was cold! And the current more forceful than I’d expected. But we powered on through it like macho mountain mamas in an episode of Extreme Outdoors.

In the end, we were able to boast about a successful ride back on the bus.

And we learned a lot from our unexpected adventure. In business or life, remember:

  1. Sometimes it’s better to bail than be tossed in the river
  2. Rapids look rougher down in the drink than up on the road
  3. Whiners will ruin everyone’s ride
  4. If you’re in the rapids, you’re bound to get wet
  5. No one ever rafts the same water
  6. Don’t fight the current – let it lead you gradually to shore
  7. Wear a life vest and helmet, no matter how calm things appear
  8. We can’t always see what lies beneath
  9. There’s no shame in abandoning ship
  10. Remove all whiners before you shove off from shore!