Laura Lollar

Colorado facilitator, teambuilding, strategic planning, partnering sessions

Communication

Secrets of Your Personality Style (Part One)

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I get such a kick out of people-watching and personality styles. We never got much schooling on this when we were kids or even in college. So it was a real eye-opener to learn at work why we do the mystifying things we do. I’ve spent decades teaching corporate types and coaching clients about these skills and love seeing the looks on people’s faces when their personality assessment nails it. Nine times out of ten, they say it’s 90-95% accurate.

This article is not intended to sell you a personality assessment (although if you want one, I can certainly make that happen). It IS the first part of a mini-course on the four typical behavioral styles. You’ll find this of value in case you want to figure out your significant other, teenager, manager or do a deep dive into your own preferences. Even if you’ve taken an assessment in the past, I may explore some areas you didn’t get in a previous class.

In the next four articles, I’ll share the traits and strengths of each style. This post will kick it off with an overview. But first, a story!

My Parking Lot Experience

Years ago I was hired to facilitate a training for the senior hospital staff at a Regional Medical Center in the midwest. These were the power people in the organization: Medical Administrator, Human Resources Manager, Head Nurse, etc. Our class was held at the local college and I arrived bright and early, parking way out in the north 40 where there were very few cars.

I was running a bit late, so I parked quickly, then set to work unloading all my trainer’s paraphernalia, flip charts, etc. When this chore was done, I stepped back and noticed I had parked my car off kilter. It was halfway into the next spot and crooked as a stock market chart.

I hesitated. I pondered. Should I move all my stuff out of the way, get back in the car and straighten it out? Or, should I just let it be, assuming few people would park that far out and be inconvenienced by my sloppy style?

But then, I thought about my audience. What if someone from my class was nearby in the parking lot and noticed my carelessness? What if that would taint their impression of me before the class even started? I didn’t want to take the chance, so I took the time to straighten out the car.

Coincidentally the class was all about Personality Styles and the DiSC Profile. Each one of them had taken the assessment and were eager to learn their results. I got the brilliant idea of using my parking lot story to illustrate differences between the styles.

I described my experience, including why I took the time to straighten out the car. I knew my group would be made up of analytical folks who value quality and accuracy and didn’t want to ruin my credibility even before the class started.

I said, “I didn’t want any of you thinking I was some kind of nut if you saw me parking my car that way.”

Sure enough, the head nurse spoke up. “I saw you out there and at first I did think you were crazy. I felt better about your abilities when I saw you come into class because you had moved your car. But if you hadn’t parked it differently, I would have thought this was going to be a total waste of my day.”

She assumed my lack of accuracy in the parking lot would transfer to the classroom. Thankfully I had redeemed myself!

The Moral of the Story

I cared more about making a good impression with my audience than being accurate. I couldn’t have cared less if my car was crooked. But I DID care about the participants and their assessment of my skills. Their ability to have a great learning experience was of primary concern.

We often judge people by their ability to excel in areas WE define as strengths. We will evaluate them more favorably if they possess the same primary traits we do. Likewise, we may not cut them a lot of slack if they lack that trait. While it makes sense for teams to be made up of people with differing strengths, the reality is, we judge success based on skills we value and possess.

Those medical folks expected me to be knowledgeable, accurate and credible. If I couldn’t show up that way, it would have impacted their willingness to accept what I had to say. They might have tuned me out from the start and also questioned their assessment results.

To clarify, it’s not that I can’t be accurate and focused on quality in my work (or even loading the dishwasher), but when push comes to shove, there are some things that are MORE important to me, such as interpersonal communication. That’s what drives me most of the time. What drives my husband, the engineer, is process and purpose.

How to Tell What Drives You

  • It is a strength that matters to us and a skill we want to be recognized for
  • It motivates us to do the things we do
  • It is the basis of how we judge ourselves and others
  • It’s a personal trait we take pride in more so than others
  • And while we possess degrees of all four behavioral styles, there’s usually one that takes precedence and another one we see as a weakness.

It doesn’t make us right or wrong to have a certain personality style, although it can have an impact on our relationships and success at work. It comes down to “fit” and whether we are motivated enough to adapt to others or the environment.

What’s next?

In the next four posts, I’ll explore each one of these personality styles so you can figure out what makes you tick. You’ll learn more about whether you’re in the right job or why you experience stress. Together we’ll explore how to better understand others.

I’ll share with you everything I’ve ever learned about personality styles — and all for free! Woohoo! Just promise you won’t hold it against me if I park creatively!

How to Squash Obnoxious Behavior

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Never before had I left a training program worrying a participant might slash my tires.

But that was what I feared after presenting a class on interpersonal skills and how to communicate with difficult people.

The manager who hired me approached as I entered the room.

She whispered, “There will be a lady in your class today who is a real challenge. It won’t take you long to figure out who she is. I hope you can say something to change her behavior with co-workers.”

And she was right. Sitting near the front was a woman who couldn’t hide her unhappiness at having to be in this class. Her expressions were pure contempt.

She rolled her eyes continuously, laughed sarcastically and put on a side show that distracted all 50 people in the room.

At one point, we discussed how to handle people with strong personality styles and difficult behaviors with candor, coaching and courtesy. She snorted and rolled her eyes again. It was the perfect time to show the class and her manager how to handle the situation.

I looked at her. “You, for instance, may have a strong personality style, but my guess is you also have the backbone to handle candid feedback. Your eye rolling, snorting and dismissive behaviors are distracting everyone in the class.”

Crickets. Her face turned red. She sat quietly for the rest of the class, but if looks could kill.

Once the class was over, everyone but the lady with daggers in her eyes and her manager headed directly for the door. I listened calmly to the lambasting as her supervisor watched from the other side of the room. Then I said, “When you rolled your eyes and snorted it felt very disrespectful to me, your co-workers and your manager. Your behaviors were disrupting the class. I wanted you to realize the impact you were having on us all.”

She stormed from the room and I made a mental note to check my tires.

Her supervisor was visibly nervous. “Can you give me some tips on how to handle her? I’ve tried everything but, well, you can see how she is.”

“You’ve got two choices. Ignore her behaviors and they may get worse over time. You’ll lose good people who won’t want to put up with her and she’ll reflect poorly on your ability to manage. Or, you can document her behaviors and put her on a performance plan. Be clear about expectations, coach her on specific instances and give her positive feedback if you notice improvement. Otherwise, help her ‘self select’ to move on to another job or let her go.”

Over the years I’ve wondered if I handled it correctly. Should I have called for a break and taken her outside the room for a private coaching moment? Would it have made any difference? Or should I have ignored her behaviors?

Let me know what you think in the comments below.

P.S. My tires were fine.

5 Things Leaders Must Deliver for Better Engagement

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People aren’t complicated. Human nature is fairly predictable. And we don’t need a plethora of rules and regulations to define every possible way a person might step out of line. Typically we can boil it all down to the basics — a few simple things most people want and deserve from the folks in charge.

The Principle of Legitimacy in Leadership

At the 1814 Congress of Vienna, an idea was proposed to help restore to power the lawful monarchs from royal families who ruled before Napoleon. Titled the Principle of Legitimacy, it was a governance guideline to ensure peace and order. It included five common sense concepts that most of us would agree should be the basis for sound leadership:

  1. Rules don’t change: people like to know what they can count on. No one likes to be evaluated against a moving target. Some say a sense of certainty is one of the greatest human needs.
  2. Authority is fair: remember when you were a kid and you got punished for something your sibling did? We didn’t like it then and now that we’re grown up, fairness is even more important. However, fair doesn’t always have to mean equal. People need different things and deserve to have their circumstances take into consideration.
  3. Things make sense: the reasonable person wants to see a pattern, cause of action, greater purpose and ends that justify the means. Nobody likes to feel like they fell down the rabbit hole. Too often policies are established that work for one team but are totally nonsensical for another.
  4. People have a voice: they want the opportunity to raise issues, express concerns, identify gaps. Freedom of speech is a bedrock right of the people of our nation. Many organizations do themselves in when people don’t feel free to speak up. Too many problems go unsolved because people don’t want to be labeled, “not a team player.”
  5. People need to be heard: some say we humans are one big walking ear. In over 35 studies, listening was identified as a top skill needed in business today. Yet, fewer than 2% of us receive training in listening skills. Read this Harvard Business review article on listening.

Ensure the above listed needs are addressed in every major workplace training such as internal and external customer service, employee engagement, job satisfaction, harassment prevention, teamwork, communication skills and leadership. Most definitely leadership. Then embed then in performance reviews for frontline supervisors, team leads or anyone managing a group of people for whatever purpose, even if it’s the neighborhood bake sale.

Another Approach to Leadership

Sometimes it’s easier to say what we won’t do versus what we shall do. Otherwise you have an increasingly long and complicated set of rules that try to capture every possible way people can mess up. (If you’ve been a supervisor, project lead, parent or teacher you know how creative people can be!)

You could define your mission by simply stating, “We agree to do nothing to embarrass our constituents, compromise our values or (the best one yet) require a lawyer.”

Or, “We agree to do nothing that is disrespectful to one another and requires an intervention from the boss or the Human Resources Department.”

Can you see how those simple statements could benefit a team when trying to establish norms of behavior? They define what people will NOT do versus what they SHOULD do. This limits the parameters greatly. You can start broad and then, if necessary, narrow the scope.

Why, even our U.S. Bill of Rights outlines governance using negative terms: “Congress shall make NO law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

The framers intent was obviously to give law-making power to Congress to lead within a framework of constraint.

What was true in 1787 and 1814 is still true today. Let’s keep things simple, easy to communicate, able to withstand the test of time and establish guidelines the average person can understand. That would make life a whole heckuva lot easier for people we interact with and ensure you get better engagement no matter what the project, policy or plan.

The IRS, Gossip and Infamous Anonymous Sources

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During the early years in my business, I facilitated a contract training for an Employee Assistance Provider based in California. Usually I’d work in Colorado, but this time they sent me on a trip back east where I trained for Avon, an insurance company and the IRS, among a few others.

The IRS training was on Eldercare and it seemed to be a popular topic because the room was jammed with over 100 people in attendance. This issue hit home with numerous participants who were primary caregivers for a parent or other loved one. They were also juggling full time jobs, so they appreciated the tips and knowing they weren’t alone.

During one of our audience interaction segments (i.e. when the speaker asks you to turn to your neighbor and discuss X) people shared their own personal stories with one another. There were stories about healthcare situations, living conditions, home care helpers and stress. During that time, I moved around the room listening in and answering questions.

I hovered near one woman who was almost in tears. She told her co-workers all about the trauma of juggling so many responsibilities and watching her loved one go downhill so quickly.

“It’s just awful,” she said. “Every day I have to make sure she gets her food and her medicine. She’s gotten to the point where she can’t chew. Sometimes she wants to go out for a walk and other times she refuses. She has a skin condition and can’t stand the itching so there’s dry skin all over the place. To top it all off, her hair is falling out. I can’t handle this much longer. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”

A man who was listening in from behind her leaned over and said, “Oh for gosh sakes, just have her put down!” The co-workers sitting nearby all nodded sympathetically.

I was aghast. I’d heard stories about the IRS, but this was beyond the pale. Why in the world would he say such a thing about this poor woman’s mother?

They must have noticed my mouth hanging wide open in horror.

“Her dog. She’s talking about her dog,” the man who advised her explained.

Relieved, I said, “I’d heard you folks were tough, but this was more than I expected!”

We all had a good laugh over it. So much for coming in on the tail end of a conversation.

And thus to my main point. Don’t believe everything you hear.

Today I heard yet another “news” story based on the world famous “Anonymous Sources.” These people seem to be everywhere and I am astonished at how often they are quoted. They must be very popular indeed AND hugely credible to be taken at their word without even showing their faces OR releasing their names. My gosh, people usually pay PR firms big bucks to be quoted that often and most don’t even mind giving up their true identities. But how much better is it to be quoted without being held accountable for what you are saying. Some would say, that’s the best of both worlds! Others would say it’s gossip.

Don’t you wish you had that kind of clout?

Now, those folks at the IRS spoke up and made it real clear real fast exactly who and what they were talking about because they wanted no misunderstanding. They didn’t want me leaving their office with a mistaken impression. Their reputations would be damaged. That would be horrible. (The IRS doesn’t need that kind of press.) And even worse, I’d be running around sharing a story that wasn’t even true. Imagine how embarrassing that would have been — for all of us!

Small talk pays off at Mother Cabrini’s Shrine

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Heads up Introverts. Small talk pays off.

Decades ago when my kids were young and we had just moved to Denver, Colorado, I took them to Mother Cabrini’s Shrine. It was perched on the side of Lookout Mountain and there were 373 steps to reach the shrine. (We wished we had worn our hiking boots!)

When we finally arrived at the top, it wasn’t a surprise to find the site empty. It was a weekday and we were the only people taking the stairs. But later, three other people joined us – an older gentleman and two women. Being the only people up there, it was almost like standing in an elevator where you can’t ignore those who share the limited space with you.

So I struck up a conversation.

“Hi. Do you live here or are you visiting the Denver area?” I asked.

The gentleman responded, “Oh my wife and I live in Denver, but our friend here is visiting from out of state.”

“Where are you from?” I asked the older woman.

“Upstate New York,” she said.

“Really? Where in Upstate New York?”

“Dear, it’s a very small little town; you wouldn’t recognize the name it’s so small,” she said.

“Well, try me!”

She replied, “It’s a little town called Gates, just outside of Rochester, New York.”

“No kidding!” I said. “I grew up in Chili just up the road from you. What a small world!”

She agreed it was indeed a small world. But it was about to get even smaller.

“I have a very dear friend who lives in Chili. She and I went to school together and have stayed friends for over 60 years,” she explained.

“Oh? What’s her name. Perhaps I know of her.”

“Dear, you’d never know this woman. She’s an old lady just like me! But her name is Marcella Schickler”

Marcella Schickler was my grandmother!

I still smile when I think of her traveling across the country to visit friends and they just so happened to end up at Mother Cabrini’s shrine the same day I took my family on a field trip. And I think what I would have missed out on had I not spoken to this lady and her friends. She was tickled pink about meeting Marcella’s granddaughter and great-grandchildren.

Gramma was pretty tickled too. We took a photo of her friend and I together and I sent it back to my her. She was delighted we had met. Gramma died soon after, so I’m glad it brought her some happiness.

I’ll bet you could share a lot of stories similar to mine. We discover these coincidences by taking an interest in people, by reaching out and asking questions. And by being willing to share information about ourselves.

We don’t want to be too nosy, but small talk like this can reveal all kinds of connections, coincidences and opportunities. What’s the benefit? It makes the world seem more friendly. It could lead to a business deal or a new job. But it doesn’t happen unless we take a few minutes to strike up a conversation.

In my book, taking an interest in others is well worth the effort, especially today when texting and email take the place of far too many face to face interactions. The art of conversation is a dying skill.

So here’s a quick tip on how to make the process easier. You can share this with your introverted pals to help them get over their hesitancy to reach out and connect.

Learn how to ask “how” and “what” questions.

Don’t just ask “How are you doing?” because we all know the answer to that one. It doesn’t take the conversation very far when they respond, “good.” That’s usually the end of it.

But rather, ask…

  • How do you like the Denver area?
  • How has your industry changed?
  • What are you planning for your next vacation?
  • What plans do you have after graduation?
  • How did you decide on this career?

Stick with “how” and “what” questions and you’ll do well.

You’ve heard this before. Open ended questions like the ones above get you more information and better information. We don’t do enough of it. Try it out on one person each day and see how your hesitancy disappears and your confidence builds over time.

And thank goodness you don’t have to climb 373 stairs to the top of a mountain to practice!