Laura Benjamin Lollar

Laura Benjamin Lollar

Is the Open Door Communication Policy a Bunch of Baloney?

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A few years ago, I was speaking at a conference where I also attended another session on communication. The presenter was singing the praises of having an Open Door Communication Policy when someone in the back of the room raised his hand.

He was upset. He stood up and said, “That open door communication policy is a bunch of baloney! I’ve tried a number of times to share something I thought was important and ended up being labeled ‘Not a team player‘. They really don’t want you to bring up any issues. They don’t take you seriously and I’ll never do it again!”

There was a long, long period of silence. Heads turned. A few people coughed. One or two took a risk and clapped.

I could see his point. There were a few times I took an issue “up the chain” and ended up suffering for it. But perhaps neither he or I presented our concerns in a constructive way. Were we just whiners who wanted the opportunity to complain? Were we willing to take responsibility to solve the problem before dumping it in someone else’s lap? Or did we truly get labeled by a leader who didn’t want to cope with another complaint?

I think there’s enough blame to go around. There are people who don’t know how to raise an issue respectfully or constructively. Then there are senior level folks who don’t know how to handle it when someone brings a legitimate concern to their attention. And yes, there are those who say that anyone who disagrees with the party line is NOT a team player, sending them straight to the Pit of Insignificance.

What if the person who raises the issue is not a bold, strong-willed kind of personality but more of a shy, meek, sensitive, caring type who doesn’t want to rock the boat? Speaking up is fraught with danger for them. They risk being shouted down, told they are overly sensitive or just making things up, or (here comes the death knell) NOT a team player? Will they ever speak up again? How will their silence then harm the relationship, prevent some new advancement, avoid something bad from happening, like the infamous “O” Ring debacle that doomed the Space Shuttle.

I had been thinking for quite some time about the dynamic tension that exists between two people: one person has a concern and wants to raise the issue, respectfully, but the other person believes they are being too critical. So I asked myself, where does one person’s right to voice their concerns end and the other person’s responsibility to hear them out and perhaps make a change begin?

So I created a communication model to help both sides face issues in a way that one person feels heard and the other can accept the message and do something with it. My CARLA Concept™ Model is simple and flexible and goes like this:

C – what was the challenge or change you faced?

A – what actions did you take?

R – what results did you get?

L – what lessons did you learn?

A – what’s another approach, now that you know what you know? 

This is a template for how to get all the facts. If someone comes to you with a complaint, you can coach them through these steps to flesh out their concerns. It also subtly puts some personal responsibility back on their shoulders by asking what actions did they take and what results did they get? It helps the person who raises the issue think through their complaint before taking it public.

I think we all contribute to miscommunication in some way. There are people who should do their homework before camping on their supervisor’s doorstep. There are managers who need to listen more, take people seriously and stop pigeonholing people into the troublemaker category. Hopefully The CARLA™ Concept can help both sides.

What say you? Have you ever been labeled, “Not a team player?” How did it work out for you? Feel free to share your comments below.

NOTE: Laura (Benjamin) Lollar wrote and self-published The CARLA Concept handbook in 2005. She is revising and updating the book for publication in late 2019 or early 2020.

You Can’t Make Everyone Happy

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(Photo: American Eagle Overlook, Victor CO)

Let’s see a show of hands — how many of us have ever tried to make everyone happy? Sometimes we’re called “people pleasers.” Often we lead a committee, a workplace team or plan a family reunion. We bend over backwards to consider all opinions and preferences, don’t we? We work hard to make sure everyone is heard while trying to keep the mission in mind. But some lose sight of the goal and shift their focus to try and keep everyone happy versus getting the best result.

It’ll drive you crazy. And if you keep it up, you’ll burn yourself out and dig yourself into a bottomless pit. You can’t get much accomplished spinning in circles.

Today’s overly connected culture makes it worse. We’re encouraged to “join the conversation” but this can be challenging if you’re affiliated with different groups, organizations or positions. Some have competing interests and are at cross-purposes with each other. And for some, it’s not good enough to be a supporter, you must be “all in” to the exclusion of everything else. You must be an advocate for “the cause” and a very public one at that.

Say something, do something or (even worse) tweet something that offends the opposing group and you’re a goner — blocked, muted, unfriended, unfollowed, uninvited to the next big shindig, fired from a job, removed from the board or asked to return a recently granted award.

It’s the upstairs vs downstairs issue. I once worked in an organization where it was warehouse folks vs the carpet dwellers. (I’m not kidding.)

Cat Lovers vs Dog Lovers

I’ll give you another example. Let’s say you’re an animal lover. We all know the world is split between dog-lovers and cat-lovers, right? (We’ll leave out boa constrictor and spider lovers for now. They’re hard to figure out.) You happen to love dogs and cats both, but you own a few cats because you grew up with them and they shed less. There are cat pics on your desk, your phone, a cat bumper sticker on your car and you give money to the American Cat-Lovers Society.

But recently, you’ve noticed your animal loving friends, family, clients, co-workers and neighbors have splintered into groups (let’s call them silos, shall we?) It’s like the parting of the Red Sea. Now it’s no longer good enough to be a plain old animal lover, noooooo. Now you must choose. You must support Every. Single. Crazy. Idea they come up with or risk being labeled as not-a-team-player. Thinking for yourself is out of the question.

They look deeply into your background: Ever worn a t-shirt with a dog on it? Were you recently seen eating a pancake in the shape of a cat? Did you read more books on Lassie than Cat-in-the-Hat in grade school? Either way, your lack of enlightenment will soon be known to all, broadcast from one end of the planet to another and held against you until the day you die. Cat-lover? Or dog-lover? (We even have sub-groups: beagle, scottie, setter and golden lab lovers too!)

And if you happen to have a wide range of friends, fields of interest, commitment to lifelong learning and a track record of success…well, it may never be good enough for some.

You Can Never Make Everyone Happy

If you try, you’ll second-guess what you write, the words you speak and who you hang out with. You’ll move the goal-post anytime someone questions your loyalty, decisions, opinions or voting record. And the more you allow yourself to be bullied into conflicted territory, you’ll lose a bit of your soul. 

What to do? What to do?

Do not grovel and apologize for eating the pancake shaped like a cat. State your case. If you’ve changed your mind, give us the reasons why. But never apologize for a sincerely held belief unless you were disingenuous way back when.

Don’t stick your finger into the wind. You’ve done your homework. You know where you stand. The majority are not always right and far too many are uninformed. 

There are more people rooting for you than you might imagine. These are folks who silently watch from the sidelines. They share your opinions with friends, read the books you suggest and support organizations you endorse. They learn from the battles you fight, losses you suffer and sacrifices you’ve made.

It’s your lifetime of service we care about, the way you treat others, your ability to solve problems and make things better. This world needs wisdom more than ever before. We need leaders who stand on their own two feet and don’t waste time worrying about opinions from those with too much time on their hands. Because…

Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

(This quote, often misattributed to Dr. Seuss, actually came from FDR’s presidential advisor Bernard Baruch — about his dinner party seating arrangements.)

Just as we can’t sit next to everyone at the dinner party and we all can’t have the window seat, you will never be able to make everyone happy. So focus your time and attention on people who matter, the values you firmly believe in and the mission ahead of you.

Do your job. Love God, Country, friends and family. In the end (or “at the end of the day” as every person on earth is fond of saying), it’s all that really matters.

8 Steps to Being a Leader People Will Follow to the Ends of the Earth

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Recently, I watched as a highly influential public figure, business owner and community leader treated someone who has an impairment with a level of respect, kindness and consideration rarely seen these days. And I was once again struck by the fact that those who succeed – in business, in school, at work and in their communities – are not always those with thousands of “friends” or followers, a blue checkmark next to their Twitter name or the title of “Influencer” on LinkedIn. They succeed where it counts — in the way they treat others, no matter who they might be.

These are leaders who:

1. Learn from the past. Smart leaders take pains to learn why things are being done the way they are. They believe in the old adage, “Those who cannot remember the past, are doomed to repeat it.” (George Santayana, writer and philosopher) We are on this earth for just a blip of time and we’re not the first to face certain challenges or aspire to those BHAGs (big hairy audacious goals). Some say there are no new ideas. Centuries of lessons learned came before us, and we don’t have the corner on innovation. We should be wise enough and humble enough not to put people through costly, stressful, time-intensive exercises in futility.

2. Acknowledge others. Leaders say “thank-you,” look people straight in the eye, offer congratulations and generously share the success of others. They look for opportunities to give colleagues and fellow team members the spotlight. Most of all, they respond. Good leaders know the worst thing you can do to a person is ignore them. It is the fastest way to devalue someone’s worth and demoralize the team.

3. Ask for feedback. They don’t “school” or scold if they don’t agree with the opinions of others. If they have more knowledge or experience in a matter, they don’t discount the input they just received. They take notes. They say, “I’ll get back to you.” They appreciate it when people take the time and make the effort to offer suggestions. And they are open to the idea there may be more than one way to skin that proverbial cat.

4. Extend invitations. Wise leaders know that some are just waiting to be asked to participate. They seek out people who are often overlooked — the wallflowers, the quiet ones, people who aren’t normally considered one of the “cool kids.” These are the folks who will work their hearts out for a worthy cause, if given the chance to help.

5. Are loyal. They remember old friends and those who helped them get where they are now. Rather than allow themselves to be blinded by the flash of flattery, fast talk and glitter of groupies, they put their faith and trust in those who supported them, way back when.

6. Aren’t afraid to apologize. Leaders aren’t perfect. The pressure to deliver can be intense and there’s never enough time to consistently do it right. But when they screw up, they fess up. No waffling and no blaming others.

7. Know the difference between confidence and arrogance. A friend of mine has said, “Politicians aren’t kings.” Well, community and workplace leaders aren’t either. True leaders know they are “in service” to customers, co-workers and constituents. They may exude confidence, but humility keeps them grounded, approachable, credible and trustworthy. Arrogant people in power are seen as obnoxious.

8. Are committed to solving problems. Strong leaders do not play politics with people’s lives. Their job is to remove obstacles and make things better, not to deflect, exacerbate and inflame. True leaders remember whom they were “hired” to serve, the mission that guides them and foundational principles that gave them the opportunity in the first place.

In Summary

I’ve been fortunate to have worked with and for a number of talented leaders throughout my career. Leadership is a tough position to be in. You can’t make everyone happy and too often, leaders end up on the firing line when they speak up to raise important issues. While we may not always agree with their positions, we have to give them credit for being willing to take the heat. If you’ve never risked it all — job, reputation, friendships, business opportunities and even personal safety — you can’t imagine how difficult it is to hold the line. That’s what leadership courage is all about and we can all learn from it.

How to Get Off Personal Data Collection Sites

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Can you believe it, I didn’t learn how to use a computer until 1993! My engineer cousin let me  borrow his and I did my very best to goof up all his settings and document margins without knowing what the heck I was doing. Well, I’ve learned a few things since then. Hopefully these tips will help you stay safer online and more aware of internet security issues.

You May Not be Interested in the Internet, but it’s Definitely Interested in You!

Did you know, websites scrape the Internet for information about you, then will sell it to anyone who wants to learn more about you. They pull it from your social media profiles (where you publish Facebook posts as “public”), public records, census info, etc. Some of it they surmise, like ethnic or religious affiliations based on your name.

Got a few minutes? Just for fun, enter your name(s) into a search engine, then start scrolling down. Go way beyond the first page. You may find you are listed on sites like FamilyTreeNow, TruePeopleSearch, InstantCheckmate, Spokeo, MyLife, etc.

You can find more of these sites by searching on this phrase: “sites that compile your personal information.” Some of them are connected and owned by one parent company.

How to Remove Your Name from Data Collection Sites

It’s not hard to have your profile (or dossier!) removed. They usually have an “opt-out” page where you can put in some of your information, find your record, then hit the remove/opt-out button. They’re pretty quick. Your profile is usually gone within 24-48 hours.

Click here to read a recent Consumer Reports article with more specifics on how to remove yourself.

And here is another good one from the ReputationDefender website.

Like most situations where you want to block something or be removed from a list, websites have sprung up which, FOR A FEE, will do it for you. A few articles I found about how to get off the grid are actually sales pitches with offers embedded to entice you to sign up for their services.

You don’t need to spend money to remove yourself from personal data collection sites or remove outdated content on the Internet. Yes, it will take some time and it’s tedious, but you could always hire a tekkie friend you trust to do it for you.

How to Remove Outdated Online Content

The second thing to do is remove outdated information (links, photos, etc.) that search engines still show about you. They might be photos under Google or Bing images, links to old Tweets, Facebook posts and website pages that may no longer exist.

If you have a Google account, login and use their “remove outdated content” service by copying the link of the outdated content and paste it into their form. They too are pretty quick, usually removing the link from search results within a few days. This takes time if you’ve had a pretty active online presence.

Other Online Safety and Common Sense Tips

Being safer online (no one can ever be 100% safe) has taken on a whole new perspective given the proliferation of image-sharing sites and video. I’m no security expert, and I certainly don’t want to come across as paranoid, but here are a few common sense tips for yourself and those you care about:

  • Before you post any photos, check the photo file name. Did you put the full name(s) of the subject(s) in the name of your image?
  • Are you posting photos of children standing in front of their school or a house with the street address showing in the background?
  • Are you shooting video in your house (or someone else’s), near your computer desktop where sticky notes reflect personal info or where the background of your webcam can pick up private or potentially embarrassing images?
  • Do you regularly “check in” on social media sites or post about your whereabouts, in the moment? This provides a pattern of behavior that the bad guys can take advantage of.
  • Are you posting about your upcoming “annual” vacation? Even if you share details about it after the fact, just mentioning it’s an annual vacation you take every July may be enough information to set you up for a burglary.
  • Do you use public wifi to do your online banking or other shopping transactions? Unless you have signed up for a Virtual Private Network Client (VPN) for your devices, you may want to do your online shopping/banking at home. Click here to read a useful article from Wired on this topic.
  • If you have a website, do your visitors/readers/customers a favor and spend the bucks to set your site up with an SSL certificate. You will know it by the HTTPS at the beginning of the URL (domain name) and little padlock in the URL versus HTTP. It amazes me how many website owners haven’t yet converted their sites. The cost is less than $75/year.
  • Create a junk email account so you can subscribe to online offers, answer surveys, etc. without giving away your personal email.
  • Please, please, please, do NOT send an email out to a ton of friends, colleagues or businesses and have everyone’s email address showing up in the “TO” field. Put YOUR email address in the “TO” field and put everyone else in the “BCC” field to protect their identity. Occasionally, someone in the group will decide they need to add everyone to their marketing/fundraising/political update list and before you know it, you’ll be getting all kinds of cr*p.

I love the publishing opportunities that come with the online world. For little or no money, we can promote our companies and causes, share ideas and useful information, make a living and make friends. But just like most things these days, it’s wise to think ahead to how information and images could be put to use, for better or worse. So, let’s be safe out there!

Why I Quit Facebook

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Hello. My name is Laura Lollar. I was a social media junkie.

In 2008, I jumped on the bandwagon and eventually ended up with various Facebook (FB) pages, Twitter accounts, YouTube channels, Pinterest, Instagram and LinkedIn. Since 2001, I have learned SEO, how to build my own websites, blogs, shoot and edit video, produce audio interviews and soon will launch The Laura Lollar Podcast. (If you are a subscriber, you will also get the podcast episodes automatically. Click here to watch my announcement video.) I have spoken about social media and blogging at conferences around the U.S. and coached non-tekkies how to do it themselves. I got hooked.

Then, earlier this week, I deactivated my Facebook account.

Great balls of fire! You’d think I chopped off an arm. Friends and family are calling and texting — “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Whatever has possessed you?”

A few friends have secretly admitted, “I’m thinking of doing the same thing. But don’t tell anyone — just in case I change my mind.”

They’re not the only ones planning to throw in the towel. From a recent WSJ article: “Twenty six percent of American users deleted the Facebook app from their phone in the 12 months that ended in June, while 42% took a break from checking the service for a period of several weeks or more, according to a 2018 report from the Pew Research Center.”

So, after publishing a post notifying friends and family of my intention to leave FB, which only 10% of them probably ever saw due to that pesky algorithm, I waited a few weeks in case I’d change my mind. (I’ve been prone to do that. Just ask my patient husband.) Then last night, I decided it was high time and I pulled the plug.

Here’s why, in no particular order:

The Feed Funnel, Censorship, Privacy and Public Opinion Manipulation

Control. I got real tired of FB determining which posts, photos and articles I’d see in my feed. If I “liked” or commented on a political post or friend’s family photos, I’d see more of the same in my feed for the next few days. God help me if I posted a cat video! Facebook’s algorithm is designed to #1. Feed you what THEY think you want to see based on your behaviors, #2. Feed you what THEY want you to see (i.e. paid ads) and, #3. Block and censor what THEY decide you should NOT see. Which leads me to…

Censorship and Free Speech: A recent New York Times article reported a FB employee leaked over 1,400 pages of the Speech Policing Rulebook to the Times because he “feared that the company was exercising too much power, with too little oversight — and making too many mistakes.”

They employ thousands of people around the world who have 8 seconds or less to decide what should be blocked or approved. That’s just a few seconds longer than most of us can stay on the back of a bull.

“…it has quietly become, with a speed that makes even employees uncomfortable, what is arguably one of the world’s most powerful political regulators…a far more powerful arbiter of global speech than has been publicly recognized or acknowledged by the company itself.”

Click here to read the full article.

Privacy Concerns: I always believed we had some control of the information we make public, designate for “just friends” or “just me” on our Privacy Settings. That’s what they told us. But over the years, FB would add new features to the software, many of which would make your information more public than you might wish. But they compromised public trust when they shared our information with “partners” including other technology companies.

“Facebook has been sharing its users’ personal data, including private messages and contact information for users’ friends, with some of the world’s largest technology companies like Microsoft, Amazon, far beyond what it has publicly admitted, according to leaked internal documents.”

Click here to read the full article.

Just for giggles, I scanned through my FB friends list and noticed how many of them deactivated their accounts — some were law enforcement and a few former Secret Service folks. Maybe they just got tired of the online arguments, but maybe they also know more than the rest of us.

Tip: if you choose to stay on Facebook, you may want to change your birth year settings or the entire birthdate to “Just Me.” Some folks I know either set up their account in the first place with a fake birthdate or have gone back and changed it to something different.

Arguments, Broken Relationships and Bad Feelings: I counted on my friends, family and colleagues to share articles and insights on culture, current events, movies, books, local government and political events. But not everyone wants to see those articles or opinions. Some disagree with stated positions and some just don’t want to be reminded of how dysfunctional things really are. Some have tons of stress in their lives and can’t handle anything negative right now. Some only want to see family pics and updates, while others want to share recipes.

Everyone wants something different and you can’t make everyone happy. It’s hard to segment relationships in terms of personal opinions and content preferences. People are complex. You can’t predict their likes and dislikes. Some who you never hear from or who never offer congratulations on a wedding, promotion, retirement, birthday or other happy news, will suddenly appear to argue about a political post.

People began to complain of holiday gatherings fraught with tension based on someone’s FB post. (Not in our family – we all think exactly the same. Grin.) Memes would appear reflecting how many family members “unfriended” or “unfollowed” each other after they realized someone they rarely talked to in person does not agree with them on every issue under the sun.

It’s just not worth it. People, friends, family are more important.

Decision Fatigue: One of the biggest energy drains after we lost our home in the Wildfire, were the number of decisions we had to make to clear the property, deal with contractors, rebuild the house, try to remember and inventory everything we owned, etc. My builder called one day to ask what kind of towel bars I wanted to put in the bathrooms. Exhausted from making decisions, I asked him, “Can’t you just pick something out for me?” That didn’t fly, so I trotted on down to the hardware store. Hundreds upon hundreds of decisions can take a toll on your energy. Similarly, deciding who to accept as a “friend,” what posts to “like,” what to share and what to comment on started to take up more time than I was willing to give.

Focus: Speaking of energy, we only have so much of it. One of my favorite quotes is from Coco Chanel, who said, “It’s in the act of deciding what to remove that we place value on what’s left behind.” She was talking about the jewelry and accessories a woman might choose to wear, but it’s also a perfect perspective on where to focus our energy.

Yes, I could spare 15-30 minutes each day checking in on Facebook to say hi to my pals and catch up on local happenings. But I also believe I can text, phone, email, visit in person, connect on LinkedIn or my website. I don’t need Facebook to maintain true friendships, get the news or serve as a platform for my opinions or business. Remember, we don’t own that real estate. If you put too much of your business on Facebook, you run the risk they can change the rules, block your posts or take down your page at any time.

So I said buh-bye to Facebook. And whaddya know — the world has not stopped spinning! If you too decide you want to #deletefacebook, click here to read this article and it’ll take you through the steps.

Thank you to all the new subscribers who followed me over from Facebook after I announced I was leaving. I’m very happy we can stay in touch. There’s a contact page on my website and I’m still on LinkedIn — for now. Bwahaha!

Be Not Afraid to Start Over

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My dad and his dad, working the farm

I’ve written about my Mom in a previous post, so it’s time to give my Dad some “ink” too. He taught me it’s never too late to start over and you never give up. He’s followed Winston Churchill’s advice to a “T” and set a wonderful example for me and my siblings.

Guess who?

Dad built both the homes we grew up in. With a third child on the way (there would be six in all), he’d work on the house at the end of the day, after his regular job was over. Our house was just down the road from Gramma and Grandpa’s farm, with a creek and drainage ditch full of frogs and salamanders that kept us kids entertained.

His other job. There were “only” five of us then. I’m riding shotgun.

That winter, an early massive thaw melted the creek, which flowed up the ditch and seeped through the frozen ground to the foundation of our partially built home. He worked in the mud and cold, with only the light from his car headlamps to excavate and redo the whole front wall so our house wouldn’t collapse. He didn’t give up. 

The house that Dad built, in progress

Dad got into real estate while still laying brick. He graduated from college, then went back to school to get his insurance license. He’d joke, “Every time I sold a house, they’d buy a homeowners policy from me too!” For 20 years, he was General Manager for a real estate company with 18 offices, then became a licensed appraiser during the 1980’s recession. In 1993, he and Mom moved to Colorado to be near their “kids” and started life over. 

He picked up the masonry tools again, at the age of 60, while rebuilding his real estate business. He’d take the bus 60 miles up to Denver where he laid block at the new Denver International Airport. He worked in the cold and high up on scaffolds with men and women half his age. Yet, he didn’t give up.

He’s 86 years young.

Skiing in Vail, Colorado

He skis, he golfs, he still sells real estate and does appraisal work. He’s raised six kids and survived a few health scares. He dances beautifully with my Mom. He’s been there for all of us, time after time, in ways I can’t even begin to describe. 

My dad is the best example why we should view our lives as a series of transitions, as multiple opportunities for growth and learning, how to adapt and how to start over again — no matter what. Life is too short to stand still.

AND he knows how to grill!

Be not afraid to start over. You are not quitting – you are adapting!  Let the current guide you to new shores. Few of us swim in the same water twice.   

Soon we will start a New Year. We get to start over. Take my Dad’s advice: “Don’t be overwhelmed with work. Keep moving. Keep the faith. Pray hard. Play hard. Stay in touch with your family. Never give up on your kids!”

Love you, Dad

Your favorite daughter